I have a very important exam coming up. Since the future of my already delayed graduation depends on it, this is kind of a life and death situation for me (Well, not really 'death' :P). So, obviously I am
To begin with, I was being very stupid last year. I know we all feel the same way some way or another but I was really.being.stupid. The facts were right in front of me and I kept ignoring the truth and accepting my false version under the pretext of living a fantasy. Call it tough love, wanting the "un-get-able" or simply, depression but I was head-over-heels in love, beyond reason, beyond logic and certainly beyond all senses. The object of my affection (Don't think "object" is the right word to use. Pig, may be? :-D) was long gone and completely M.I.A. My relentless romantic had, however, done the impossible and tracked him down on the insistence of my very psychopathic boss. My Boss wanted me to talk to him, my boss wanted me to get a closure and above all, my boss wanted me to get mistreated, disrespected and get even more depressed. I, on the other hand, just needed some answers...the answers I had waited for a good year and a half to get. So, I continued talking to the said object (seriously considering replacing the word 'object' with 'Pig') of my affections and manipulating him into apologizing for his despicable behavior towards me. I succeeded, of course, and got the apology along with all the stupid, lazy answers he could come up with as to why he did what he did and hurt me a hell of a lot in the process. What were these priceless answers, you may ask? Nothing. Nothing that made any sense. I think instead of saying something as lame as, "I am really sorry. I was such an ass and a jerk to you. I really regret how I behaved. I got scared thinking of the distance between us and what your feelings might do.", a simple: "I am a dick by birth and I don't care about anybody's feelings but my own" could have sufficed.
It all came down to it. Two years of depression, two years which were brutally snatched away from my youth, two long years of my life wasted over nothing and for what? To hear how sorry he felt about pushing me into darkness and closing the lid on that hell hole? He had clearly moved on and gone far too ahead. What was I doing? What was I thinking? For someone with an above average IQ level in a country full of above average individuals, I sure was acting funny. But then this is what Depression does to you. It takes the joy out of everything. It feels a lot like a Dementor's kiss (Harry Potter reference, of course) as you feel the very life has been sucked out of you and you have been left out of energy, vitality and happiness. The feeling that life would never return to normal and you would never feel happy ever again looms over largely. So, what would I do to my depressed, 23-year old self? What message would I give her?
Well, to begin with I would shake her up from the shoulders and yell: "Wake up! He was a moron and he is never coming back. Accept the truth and move the hell on!" Then I would give myself the following suggestions:
- Change your thinking pattern. Thoughts create life. Be positive, no matter what. And what's with all that negative self talk? It is poison and you need to put an end to it ASAP!
- No matter how dark and dull the times seem, a new day will dawn. "If winter comes, can spring be far behind?".
- Passion replaces passion. Get out of your "comfort zone". Talk to people, even the ones you think you "hate". You never know how life might surprise you. ;-)
- Boost up your self confidence. Positive self affirmations are the need of the hour. Tell yourself you are wonderful every day, every hour. If you won't, who will? Believe in yourself. You have beaten the odds in the past and you will do it again. You will rise from the ashes, like you always do. May be not suddenly and dramatically but gradually and for sure.
- Nothing is as bad as it seems. Trust me. (I am you, after all, just one year wiser) There is always, always, ALWAYS a silver lining. They say, "What is tough for you today will one day become your warm up". This is the best learning phase life has to offer. Remember your favorite quote: "Lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory." You never know, one year from today you might become a professional tarot reader and a really good astrologer and healer who helps put people out of pain and misery having herself gone through the same once (*wink wink* I learnt tarot card reading and astrology during my depressed phase).
- No, all is not lost. Time is the best healer. It won't happen suddenly but take it from someone who knows, one day you won't wake up and feel like going back to sleep simply because there is no legitimate reason to go through the day; there will finally be that night when you don't fall asleep crying and hoping life would change and be less cruel for your life would have transformed; and the dawn that you have been relentlessly praying and wishing for would surely come when life would be joyful again and your eyes, full of new dreams.
- Love will come too, at its own time and from sources unknown. You will be loved by people you haven't yet met and far away places you soul hasn't been to. Love, joy and abundance will all become part of your life in due time as you will realize that genuine friends are life's greatest blessing. And who knows, you might just meet someone you need but not necessarily 'want' at the moment. May be life will surprise you in your love life and still give you precisely who you are praying for. Don't stop believing! You are amazing and you deserve better.
- "The best is yet to come and baby, won't it be amazing?"...and worth the wait. Yes!
So my dear 2014 self, keep pushing, keep struggling. Don't give up the fight for....
THE NIGHT IS DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN!
Oh, and Happy Diwali :)
THE NIGHT IS DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN!
Oh, and Happy Diwali :)
