Lost and Found

An eternity is a long time particularly if one has lost the will to live. The cast away shadows of one's minds and the angelic realms of banal existence have many ramifications. To dwell on the past is to fill oneself with nostalgia for even the saddest of events for one is bound to romanticize the past and memories are meant to mislead. Overpowering surge of emotions would drive logic away rendering one impotent of creative thought and action. Curse of survival is a strong thing. It can force you to take on more than you can chew while maintaining a state of high-on-life. The constant duality of good and evil, success and failure, joy and sorrow, overwhelms and sabotages. Life as we know it allures and deceives.  Perplexing endeavours are taken and contrived to suit the contours and meninges of our gray matter. Limited perspectives give rise to conflicts and peacemaking is a tough task. Beauty and flow of life is such that it does not usually provide us with time to stand and stare. Unusually kind strangers swipe us off our feet and make us realize there is still good in this world. When we are not good at handling rejection and neither is the universe too kind to offer redemption, where do we go? What source of happiness do we look for? Where do we go if not here? We hope our tomorrows will be more colorful than today yet we do little to change the small things that bind us to who we are today. Inside that beautiful mind of ours is a world of  chaos and uncertainty. We don't know what we want yet feel pulled by the siren call of all that isn't ours and can never belong to us. Do things matter that much? Or is it just a reminiscent corollary of generations past? What is, what will be and what never can happen coincide. Or perhaps these dreams die inside us causing great pain and causing internal catastrophe. What then is the world if filled with rainbow and sunshine. Alternatively, we can build castles in the air only to have them crumbling down upon us. Reality creeps up on us when we least suspect it and our worlds of wonder are lost forever. What we have lost always has a way of coming back to us or so I read in my thick copy of Harry Potter. A theory goes that the past, present and future co-exist in the same moment. We were, are and will be. Together. Is there any way of moving back? Running away or turning time? Perhaps. But how that will be advantageous remains to be seen. An adventure is not an adventure unless it is spontaneous. Often people describing themselves as "travellers" on social media do the opposite of travelling. They plan it out, chalk every last detail of the plan well in advance and kill the suspense for themselves. Their days are counted, their purpose is established and the age old tradition of travelling so as to get lost in a new place is lost in translation. We travel to show off on social media or to write travelogues which would pay. No one dives deep into the rich experience that is travelling. Inherently, mingling with the locals is either restricted or orchestrated in this form of traveling. Do we acknowledge our mistake? Absolutly not. We are having way too much fun getting the likes. Our egos are being fed at the rate of several reactions per second. Our achievements are being measured by the dimensions of our LinkedIn professional networks and connections. In such a limited space, how will the mind grow? Is it just the external environment that is to be blamed? What about our lack of concentration and poor focus? For how long can a book sustain our attention? What is the attention span of a modern human being reduced to? "Is there a way out of the mind" said Sylvia Plath. Getting trapped inside one's head is the worst fate. Some call it madness, some self-obsession. The gruelling pace of life and the cruel world keep us on our toes at all times. Do we exit the stage of life with a grand bow or do we free fall hence ending our role on the stage at once? "All's the world a stage" and I am looking for a way out. My frustrated brain knows that, my heart knows that but no human being does. I lost my will to live, my zealous enthusiasm to pursue my dreams, the fire in my belly and the fighter spirit. The 'Lost and Found' section blatantly refused coming across even one such thing anywhere on the college campus.  

NOSTANTIA

The other night
I felt perfect
Perfectly loved, Perfectly desired
Like the whole world
Stood still
As our bodies melted together
In passion, In desire

Your tenderness, Your care
The beautiful strands of your short hair
Reminded me of a love long lost

Your gentle touch, the taste of your lips
Invoked a dozen thoughts like memorabilia

I remember feeling crushed
Under the ebbs and troughs of intense desire
The unparalleled pleasure of long foreplay,
Delayed gratification
Beautifully coming together
When we just couldn't resist anymore!

The essence of your being
Wonderfully illuminating my own
The long drawn breaths, the fast paced pulse,
The moments our eyes met
In pregnant silence.

The warmth my cold feet derived
From your warm legs
And the warmth my thighs generated
Upon your magic, electric touch

The euphoria of moments
Anticipating potent orgasms
The drill, the weight,
Of those fated moments
The world losing its meaning
Reverting to just me, just us.

The reverberating sensation
Of your scintillating touch
As your fingers linger
On just the right spots
The accidental brush of your tongue
The moments of pure ecstasy
I silently thank the noir stars
For bringing you to me,
For bringing me to you.

The warmth of your chest
In which I bury my dizzy head
Calls me to stay and be
Peace befalls us
As we lay under the shimmering fairy lights-
Yellow and Red.

You write my name
With your gentle fingers
On my sensitive back
Suggesting moving further
Like you want me more
Your smile, your mouth,
Eroding my insides with pleasure.

And as we embrace
One last time
To depart and meet some other time
To sleep next to each other
For what was left of the night
With the first signs of dawn
Breaking through half-opened blinds
The fluidity of the moment
And its lyrical beauty
Breaks us
We give in to the temptation
And resume right where we left off.

An Ode To A University

In a world of GOLDen lies,
Injustice and Oppression,
An Innocent Student Cries,
with the Pain of Shattered Dreams and Subjugation.

There seems to be no way,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Be Polite, Humble and Meek,
An Ideal Student should be like a Sheep,
Say Sorry and look Weak,
Don't let your Self Worth peep.

Internally you may Weep,
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Feed their egos,
Do as they say,
Go against your ethos,
Else they will cancel your degree, as they may.

Put on a show instead of a good fight,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

"We care about our students,
They are our number one Priority"
Dean Ma'am, save these lines for your advertisements,
Spare the innocent your tone of authority.

Their actions contrast their words,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

"We know you deserve it,
But we can't give you the Gold Medal.
There is a rule and we blindly serve it,
Can't you see, we put our Founder President on a pedestal?"

Nerve-wrecked, Broken and Devastated is the student
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

They don't understand,
No one thus far had worked hard enough and wanted it as much,
And Time was slipping away like sand,
There was no solution as such.

The student felt utterly powerless yet
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

One week before D-Day,
There was seemingly no ray of hope,
The cold university showed no response, remorse, repentance or way,
The student sent an email again to widen the scope.

All hell broke loose for the student from then on
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

The mention of the word "Media" became her undoing,
Threatened she was with legal consequences grave,
The Big Bad Wolf was called to do the University's cooing,
Her maligned reputation she now had no way to save.

The student was in heart-wrenching pain and
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Nobody knows that Deep inside the fighting student,
Is a little girl who just wanted to make her parents proud,
In her desperate last minute fight to win she let go of what was prudent,
She wanted the University to hear her demands out loud.

The little girl was hurt and betrayed,
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

All that little girl ever dreamt of was seeing her parents on stage,
In limelight, glowing with pride,
To receive an award she won fair and square with no outrage,
Alas! The University crushed her spirit, her well-deserved prize unjustly denied.

Little Girl, Don't be Brave!
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

The rule was Unjust, Illogical, Unfair and Stupid,
But calling it so made the student a Traitor,
Uncomprehending Dean took it personally and ran after her rabid,
And the University refused to wake up from its Stupor.

A bright student they lost that way,
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Called out was the student in public,
Dean filled with rage created quite a ruckus,
She attacked the student defying all rubric,
Her behavior denying any decency and moving freely towards excess.

Dean ended her attack in the following way,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Dean Ma'am, Stop yelling at the teachers,
It's not their fault,
The University is using them like inhuman creatures,
Making them work day and night without a halt.

Their Teachers suffer more than students,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Dean Ma'am, the student shall never forgive you,
You made her very dear HOI cry,
Tears in the HOI's eyes - did they not rile you?
The student's spirit shook at their sight and she heaved out a sigh.

The HOI cried and so did the student,
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

Her dreams shattered, career on line,
The unyielding University committed the worst crime,
They forbid a high achiever to shine,
And where there was once respect, now only hatred and anger entwine.

They sow seeds of hopelessness in her young heart and,
"Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

They marred her soul,
Eternal is the damage,
Ruthlessly punctured her life and left a gaping hole,
Bleeding profusely is her wound savage.

A huge part of her is broken and dying,
But "Smile", they say,
"After all, Convocation is your day!"

The Meaninglessness Of My Existence

Snow-capped mountain-tops,

Sun-lit vast expanses of my mind,

The comfort zone of your embrace

And the meaninglessness of my existence

The life like mirage

The pain of unrequited love

The duels of our hearts

The battles of shared pain

A plethora of vestitude 

And the Meaninglessness of my existence 

The never ending nights

Ridden with crippling loneliness

Your warmth and smile

The only refuge for my tired soul

My weary eyes falling hopelessly asleep

The yellow of mustard fields

Of dreams yonder 

The nostalgia of my golden childhood

And the Meaninglessness of my existence

The long road trips

The togetherness of a family

Comraderie of shared meals 

Echoes of love

Like horses running wild and free

Blues of the skies

Whites of the clouds

And the Meaninglessness of my existence 

Wood burning bright

Fires wide

Smell of burning coal

Warmth in snowfall

The cozy comforts of the wooden home

Carpeted embrace of its floor

And the Meaninglessness of my existence 

The pain, the pleasure, 

Of unfulfilled dreams, of victories and wins

Same cycle over and over

A road not leading anywhere

The lone Warrior and tired traveller

Sighs of relief and joyous screams

Unrelenting rites of passage

The screaming wild passion

Dying and dead

Alive and kicking

All of this

And the meaninglessness of my existence. 

It Has A Name

It has a name...
This meaninglessness,
This void;

They call it something...
This pain,
This longing;

The difference between wants and needs,
The disproportionate passions,
The world of difference between you and me,
I hear it has a name.

Silence

The nights fall silent
So do you
So do all our conversations
Mindless musings
and Mind numbing pain
lead up to the existential questions
Our Oxygen, Our Opium,
Our Love
Shared passion
Mutual agony
separation
lives torn apart
and the vastly silent cosmos
Prayers unanswered
Psyche confused
You fooling me
Me playing along
Your desire to play games
Validated by my craving for attention
I loved you
with all my heart
I was another conquest
for all of your being
Consumed by love
Overwrought by passion
Scattered by hurt
Shot by piercing devastation
We choose silence
Over and over again
We close our eyes
and ignore the pain
allowing our minds to be fooled
yet again
"Out of sight, Out of mind" they say
How to break open the heart and let someone out?
No one tells
No one talks
Neither you
Nor I
Pretending
Turning away
Blindly falling into the cascading memories,
the fallen ashen faces
which tell stories of a parallel reality
You hurt me
I ignored the red flags
I let you play the game
I made pain my best friend
I lost my soul to your love
You threw it away like a consumed cigarette
Silence overpowers
Silence saves
Silence remains
And now
My whole being has gone silent