UNCERTAIN...

It never mattered,
It still does not,
For you to know
Where I may be in this universe,
or what I might have been up to;
The pains that I have gone through
belong to me,
belong with me
What remains true to me are your memories,
the bitter truths, the sad realities,
of a past unknown,
of a future uncertain.

Some prerequisites for a relationship might have been ours,
Did a true bond ever exist?
Were we ever really together?
Do you know what I sound like?
Have I ever knocked on your heart,
stirred your soul or
caused a vibration in your world?
Have you known what it feels like to truly miss someone,
to beg the heavens above to bring someone back
 just so they can hurt you more?

Alas! It matters to me still,
Where you are and what you have been up to, dear love.
If only to hurt me some more,
Make my heart bleed,
Worry about you so much
that I can't worry about you anymore.

Mysterious Waters

Where did the magic in my life go? Where are the mornings that would fill me up with zest and endings that would lift me up with pride? When did I lose sight of the shore? When did everything become so difficult? Was it the moment I refused to see the truth? Or, that one when I signed myself up for disappointment, anger and grief by getting ahead of myself? Did it happen when I was busy playing a different tune that the one universe had in my mind for me?

Somehow the thought of losing never occurred to me. Winning was a habit. A winner is who I was. Love is the strongest force in the universe and it can literally move mountains. Finding magic in everyday life is nothing but finding the love. This love needs to be discovered, cherished and nurtured. It needs to be filled in bright cups and had with the finest thoughts. Finding love is easy. Staying on the path lit by love is difficult. Whether it is a person, a job position or truck loads of money- if we can truly, POSITIVELY love it with all our hearts then nothing in the universe can stop us from getting it.

We can reach wherever we want, we can attain whatever we want- all we have to do is Believe. Words are powerful. Words are all encompassing. Words manifest themselves in magical ways in the universe. Tuning into the frequencies of the universe requires being a master of words- their usage and control. A Spiritual soldier would stop at nothing to get to the light- to get true knowledge and understanding, to go beyond the imagined possible and create new dimensions.
We know the truth. We are all wise and yet, we are all hurting. The sparkle that we are all born with loses its sheen in a few years and then we get lost. This process of finding ourselves again and striving to be better is called Life and Life is the greatest teacher and the universe is the biggest school.

There are no set rules. Nothing is good and nothing is bad. Nothing is set in stone. The universe is constantly evolving. The universe is formidable, solvent and soluble, mold-able and molding, defiant and defining, very flexible. We create our own universe, our version of heaven or hell as we go. We hold the supreme power and yet we abuse it. This power can create the lives we want. It can give us not one but all of our hearts' desires. It is neither dark nor bright. It just is...far removed from all interpretations and judgements. If we truly understand this, we understand the universe.

The Jack and The Queen

Heal my heart

Take away the pain

End the misery

Let me fly free.

Come and get me

Lift me up, for I have fallen far behind

Do you know what I go through 

every minute of every day?

Staying worlds apart;

Finding your name on random shores

Tracing your footsteps to where you may be;

You are gone 

And what is left behind is your essence.

I close my eyes and I see your face

I stretch out my hand and all I get is an empty canvas

You have been gone for a long time now, I know 

Yet, Hope refuses to die within me,

something refuses to die within me

I re-trace my footsteps in our History every night

And every night a grey sky responds to me

It asks me why I still believe?

Why don't I let you be a thing of the past?

What difference does it make, love?

I know the answers, your soul knows these answers

We lie somewhere lost in the sand of time,

Thinking of the times that we held hands,

When you weren't such a distant dream,

When worries were unfathomable and the only tears were those of bliss.

I find you in the Moon each night,

You smile, and then slip through my hands

Like sand glistening on a moonlit beach.

You are here but not here;

I am here but not really here.

Love doesn't make sense,

Love doesn't have to make sense;

I am content with this illogical poison

It spreads through my veins, 

Pouring out from my ailing heart,

And renders all my senses useless.

I breathe but only to live,

I see but stopped feeling a long time ago,

I waste hours,

Reminiscing.

I spend hours,

Imagining.

What my life would look like,

Had you not been so far away,

Had it been certain that you would return,

Had you not been gone in the longest time,

And had you not become a stranger all in one day!

Things That Matter- You and Me

A quiet wind from the past rustles through the noise,
A page covered by stone lifts up and brings with it a flood of memories buried deep within.
Lovers in nature,  distanced by circumstances, living many miles apart,
Love that felt true, Love that felt real and Love that became inconsequential.
Will we ever be ourselves again?
Will I ever get to meet the real you?
Two lives separated like two paths divided in crossroads,
For how will life bring us back together...
When you won't be you and I would never again be the same?
There is no happily ever after in my case, Alas!
For whenever there is, it would be too late.
Many lives have been changed, Many lost ones have been found
but my yearning eyes still search for you
Every single morning
on that first message that hits my phone,
the minute I switch on my laptop,
the quick images that flash through my mind, and
the faces in the nameless crowds.
One day when the doorbell rings,
in the near future,
unexpectedly, unknowingly,
I want it to be you!
'Cause even after all the hurts, even after all the pain,
I want to see your face again
I want to hold you in my arms again
I want to feel your taste on my lips
And I want to know you again.

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

The rest of our lives are being shaped now. Age is just a number. No matter how young or old one is, life is and shall forever remain a mystery. We all have our fair share of pain, all of us struggle. We all go through rough phases and luck is not always favorable; but seasons change and so do fortunes. Miracles happen when we believe in them. Life begins where our comfort zone ends. In order to achieve, its imperative to let go of the known and brace the unknown, unfazed and determined. Life is meant to be lived, every day. As William Shakespeare has very beautifully put worth, "Cowards die a thousand times before their death. The valiant never taste of death but once." It all comes down to one little word: Courage.

It is how courageous we are in a moment of crisis that determines how far we would go. The only limits that exist are the ones we imagine. We can achieve anything and everything is possible for us. We can be like an eagle soaring high up in the sky, or we can be a slow creeper, gradually gaining ground and ultimately, spreading over the entire jungle. How far would you go to make your dreams come true? What would you give up on? How will you ensure that whatever you have imagined possible becomes reality? Can you touch and feel your dream like it already exists?

Dreams are wonderful. I believe in the power of dreams, the infinite possibilities that each one brings; the promise of tomorrow, the liveliness of today. On your way to realizing your dreams, it is important to stop and smell the roses. Do you actually live in the present or is your life a constant worry about the future? What motivates you? What pulls you up and out of your weakest days? What is that one force which you believe in and constantly empower by thinking about it? What guides you? Answer this and you get several answers in life.

While for some of us, dreams are made up of sugar candy, consisting of our lover's sweet embrace, the warmth and comfort of a secure home, the feeling of having someone to come home to and the touch of a furry friend, many of us find ultimate peace in not living for pleasure. There are heroes in this world. Those who give up on an easy, comfortable life in order to seek a higher truth, solve a puzzling mystery of life, to answer the call of their souls and to find meaning to life other than the materialistic pursuits. These are the blessed souls who want to dedicate their lives to the service of others renouncing all forms of personal pleasures they might have been born with, for they believe, "Only a life lived for others is worth living."

There are others still, who don't "fit in" the society. To them this world exists beyond the ugly limits put on it by the so-called "society". Neither do they understand the norms or the culture of the society nor do they attempt to because they know that society is a bluff, a facade petty human beings create in order to label the wide variety of beautiful things on Earth as either 'Good' or 'Bad', without properly understanding or enjoying them. For the social misfits, this is the greatest crime, for they understand the language of the universe, the language of signs, they answer to the supreme being only and no lesser mortal can ever interrupt their path. Theirs is a spiritual journey, a journey beyond the comprehension of the advocates of a regular society.

Some of us just don't "get it". Some of us just don't "fit in". Some of us just don't agree with the way this society functions or thinks. Some of us are curious to a fault. Some of us question everything. Some of us get rejected, dejected. hated, critiqued and labelled. Some of us are different. Some of us are very special children of the one supreme being.

HOPE AND COURAGE

Life depends on hope. It feeds of the promise of tomorrow like a baby feeds off love. It is that quintessential entity which keeps the human race going. Animals don't have the mental faculty to comprehend this feeling and plants have little to do with 'hope'. Hope is positive in its passive form and when active it can be negative as well as positive. Statements like, "I really hoped for that to happen and now I m heart-broken" denote its negative side while something like, "I hoped for the best and the results were in my favor" throw light on the positive vibes emerging from this feeling.

Longing is a form of hoping. It is an extended structure. It is when strong hope for something is clouded by doubts or fears. We long for something only when we somehow subconsciously are aware that we can't have it. Our fear makes us want it even more and at this moment, hope turns a shade negative. When were the skies ever totally clear? When did they not hold the promise of sudden rains? It is impossible to attain totality. We can never really be too sure of anything. For to be so, one must be almighty. All we can really do is have the courage to follow our dreams. Nothing else is required.

The world will do all it can to dissuade us but the universe will always support the one who's heart is true, whose desire is mot maligned and whose purpose is clear. Courage is the first step. Courage in the face of opposition is a noble step. They say if you have a dream protect it even from yourself. So true! A friend once told me that the only thing standing between us and our dreams coming true is ourselves. Making it big in life is little about talent, it is almost 100% about the guts- the belief that we can manifest our wildest fantasies, that we can truly succeed beyond our imagination, the confidence to make it all possible whether we fake it or are actually feel it and above all, the COURAGE to face challenges and fulfill our soul's destiny in this universe.

An old saying goes, "Courage is not the absence of fear but the knowledge that something is more important than fear". Who has not been afraid of trying something for the first time? Who's legs haven't trembled before taking that first leap of faith-whether with a new job, an interesting opportunity or a relationship? How many times have you told yourself that such and such thing can't be done, or that it is just a silly dream which doesn't happen in "real" life? If you have told yourself any such thing then somewhere you have killed an innocent dream that could have manifested itself to take you on a journey of your life and then even if the result wasn't positive, you would have gained something priceless out of it. Also, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is that silent voice in your head that says, Tomorrow I will try again." So, whatever the situation might be, don't get bogged down; Get up, Fight for your right with all your strength, Give life and yourself another chance and know that whatever happens you will Survive. As the famous Kelly Clarkson song goes:

 "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,

I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky,

And I'll make a wish,

Take a chance,

Make a change,

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the Sun."

THOUGHTS FROM SECLUSION

What is this darkness that engulfs us?

Why do we feel so lonely midst a crowd?

Has the feeling always stayed so alive?

Or, is it the creation of our notorious minds?

If so, then why does it feel so different in spirit…from the one we were born with?

Trudging the path slowly, feeling cast aside,

A shadow pulled over our brightest stars

And the desperation for redemption

For getting back on feet, for fighting it out till the very end;

Did we create this darkness in the first place?

Are these monsters that haunt us ours?

If so, is there any real freedom to be found at all?

Answers to be found, questions to be asked,

Wool to be pulled off our eyes,

Illusions to let go,

Just…let go.

Why do grey clouds hover above us?

Where is the silver lining?

Is this the only truth?

Bound by forsaken chains to the unfulfilled reality

Of our melancholy existence

Amidst darkness and grief,

We find a ray of light,

A beacon of hope,

A dream to follow,

And yet again,

Our dreams betray us

And we are left hanging…

In the lurch.

To Togetherness!

We all make mistakes. That's the beauty of being a human being, a mere mortal in the enormity of the universe. From time to time we get lost in that abyss of darkness from where paths seem few and confusions cloud our mind. During such times, we have all felt that tug at our heart that makes us vulnerable, scared and lonely. And then, slowly, before we know it there's a lovely sunrise on the horizon. It feels like the cosmos has risen to welcome us in its warm embrace as a fitting finale to our long ordeal. Well, that's what it is like to have a true friend by your side when the going gets tough.

I write this on the birthday of a dear friend who has become a companion I talk my heart out with. It started with a common interest in writing and blogging as we met on the same platform, inspired by each others' writings. Before we knew it, we became great friends and started discussing everything under the Sun. We met often and had lots of fun! We matured a lot with time and remained silent observers to the fact that life isn't always perfect but it is always beautiful, especially if you have the right friends to share it with. We remained in touch in spite of the distance and carved a way into each other's lives.

The calming effect of the Hauz Khas Village, October 2013

Nothing bonds two people like pain and our friendship is a testimony to that. Somewhere during the past year we realized that the emptiness that a broken heart brings works as the glue that brings genuine friends together. We survived a tough phase by constantly being in touch and sharing the hurt. What I was under going could only have been understood by an empathetic person and there she was, like a guiding angel, telling me what to do so that life looks better and boy, did it work! It was her encouragement that made me share my feelings with the man I love. He never reciprocated and she taught me how to move on.

Pragati Maidan Book Fair, August 2012

I have learnt a LOT from my darling MaCha! Her strength during adversities continues to inspire me. I learnt that no matter how feeble the light, we must always let it shine for the world might need just that amount of light that we possess. I learnt that expressing your emotions does not make you weak. Sometimes you need to cry yourself to sleep in order to clear your head. I learnt that there are no mistakes, actually. They are mere learning experiences and when we hit the bottom we can only move upwards. For this and much more, love you MaCha! I promise you this coming year will be fabulous and all the hurt of the year gone by would become history. Smile, you are too cute! :)

THE ANGRY MOB AND THE SITTING DUCKS PHENOMEON

Have you ever felt that burning rage in your stomach that makes you wish you could get away with just one murder? It feels like someone poured molten iron somewhere deep inside you and you would just want that one outlet to end it all. What if the fulcrum of that hot, burning rage was directed towards you? What if you realize that the only reason for your misery is you? Not a very good thought, is it? About seven months back I took a wrong turn on the path of life and have been stuck in a miserable state ever since. It is one of those situations where one bad decision only leads to several others and eventually, you end up in a ditch.

The darkness I feel refuses to go away. Time and again there shines a ray of hope somewhere above me and as I leap to catch it, I realize its just a mirage. My search for substantial resources ends solemnly disposed. I hate being where I am right now and I have little to do except blame my parents and circumstances for the results. Thing is, I m confused. There's no clear path and only muddy waters and misty fields from where I m looking right now. The flip-side of being a high-flying achiever is that the pain of crashing down is just as severe and there's no one to save you as it is lonely at the top. 

When you are at the top of your game, turning every opportunity into success, there's little doubt in your mind that life will always be the same and that no matter what, you shall always emerge victorious. During the spring of our good fortune, we forget that no winter lasts forever and no spring is eternal. There's always a promise of a golden tomorrow- a promise just waiting to be broken. Dreams come crashing down in the blink of an eye and all that remains is the tearing sorrow of yet another unfulfilled desire.