Christmas and Sunlight

Cheer and joy, like life itself, come in small packets. Whether we choose to regard or disregard them is a momentous decision. Every time we choose happiness, we beat sorrow and vice-versa. Celebrations are important for they serve to teach us important lessons. Amidst the chaos of daily life, we find time to put together a season of love, be it by inviting over friends and relatives we have long lost touch with or forgiving our worst enemies. This is why happiness is magical- it heals oldest wounds with stupendous simplicity and makes the tallest of misers magnanimous, even if it is for a day.

I feel that sunlight has a similar role to play in our lives, and by large, that of all the creatures on Earth. Sun makes life possible. My perfect day is a day spent outside, with bountiful Sun playing on my face. For some it might be a cause of worry for the global warming is on a rise while others still may be allergic to Sun rays. The beauty experts would argue that the harmful UV rays of the Sun are the reason for all skin and hair problems. Yet, I stand firm in my belief and that stems from a childhood spent in the abode of strong afternoon Sun- my most playful time, the time of the day when I used to be most alive as a kid. As a writer, I find my most wise thoughts come to me while lounging around in the sunshine. And really, is there anything as good as the warm afternoon Sun on a cold winter's day?

So, while for most of us Christmas is a night festival, I strive to find the festive spirit during the day. There's something in the winter air which stirs up my creative spark. It gives my imagination wings and makes me feel more generous and loving. Isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Season's Greetings and loads of love! :)

May be I m just not good at handling rejection!

2013 has been a terrible waste of a year for me. It was the year when nothing worked out- work, career, and relationships all failed disastrously. It was the year when I fell flat on my face in everything that I tried. The only silver lining has been my employment with a non-profit organization as a PR person and a teaching volunteer. Now, this work I actually like. Every Sunday when I get to see the bright faces of my kids, brimming with enthusiasm and wonder on what priceless grain of knowledge they might gain today, I know that my life is not completely a waste.  

I had applied to a fellowship in Harvard University. My project proposal was excellent, my references were good and there was no reason why I shouldn't have been selected but 2013 turned that down for me as well. I was 100% positive that I would get through this. I thought life cannot be that unfair and after everything that I've been through this year, the end would definitely be fabulous just to make up for it all! I was wrong. I forgot a very simple fact: Life doesn't owe us anything. It is upon us to create happiness from nothing. 

So, what really makes me unhappy? Is it the fact that the man I was in a relationship with and later fell in love with doesn't want me? Or is the fact that along with all other organizations/institutions/opportunities that I applied to this year Harvard too rejected me? The answer is neither. I am unhappy because somehow, unconsciously, I have accepted these defeats as final. I have refused to see through the muddy waters and have accepted being a victim to circumstances. Probably the right thing to do would be to not register these setbacks at an emotional level and to think through the reasons why I was not accepted rationally. And yet somehow I find myself refusing to do so, choosing instead to shut myself from the world, not accepting any phone calls, texts or communication of any sort and keeping myself under self-imposed house arrest. May be I am just not good at handling rejection!

Pain and its many colors

In my dictionary pain is best defined as the acute feeling of mental, physical and/or emotional drainage that you feel when faced with loss. It could be a loss of any kind- a relationship, a loved one, or as it happens mostly in my case, the death of a dream. Dreams are by their very nature, flawed. We imagine, aspire and desire a lot in the empty canvas of our minds, unaware that there lie monsters in the form of circumstances who often hide in the darkness and attack us when we least expect it. This leads to pain, sadness and depression. Pain is the wound we often hide in smiles, tears, hugs, kisses, beneath closed eyes, a chattering tongue, a useless relationship, alcohol, sex, drugs, et al. Ultimately, the veil is lifted and we are made to face our innermost demons and that day our world comes crashing down.

We lash out at pain, we curse it, we detest it, and more often that not, we tend to avoid it at all costs. Thus pain becomes a mental block, a hideous skeleton in the closet of our minds, a perplexed dosage of insanity closed off by mental stature and limited by the beating of our hearts. Does pain really ever have an end? Not really! It changes its form and decides to sink beneath our consciousness but it never dies. It only fades away from our memory but its presence as an entity is eternal. It lives and feeds on our fears and produces guilt.  We have all seen the repercussions of being born out of guilt- it does not let you breathe. It chooses the most vulnerable and attacks them till the last ounce of happiness in them dies.

And when you are lonely and hurting, pain becomes your mate. It always leaves its mark. It always leaves you wanting for more. It is the strongest anti-dote to peace and complacency and the biggest motivator for poets, dreamers and writers to fall into the trap it once set- and there is its rebirth, from one ignited mind to another. Where there is a dream, there is pain. 

Something you may not have seen...

It must have slipped your mind
How I used to laugh, sit, stroke your hair or even
how I used to look!
Your memory might have erased
my saddening presence,
my belittling talks, and
my crazy ways.
However, in the conundrum of daily life
you might have missed something,
a vibe, a feel, a touch, a look...
you may not have seen something around you recently,
a face that remembers all that you were,
and all that you can be.

You might not have noticed my absence
but in the presence of your absence
I have noticed the dreams that were shattered
as you broke your promises, one by one.
I have seen the ugly faces of all those unfulfilled desires
which you left inside me.
And in my loneliness,
I have found friends in the Sun, the birds, fresh morning dew and
my solitary long way back home.

So what did you do this Diwali?

What does the festival of lights mean to you? Is it a day to burn up thousands in fire-crackers or a day to stuff yourself up with sweets? For some of us, it might be a quiet day meant simply to light up our recently whitewashed house with Diyas and to spend some divine moments praying and thanking almighty for the blessings showered on us over the span of an year. For me, Diwali is all this and much more.

It was the Diwali of 2002. I was about 11 when my brother took the liberty of taking me to a shabby, melancholic area in Shimla which was home to about a dozen laborers working very hard in the harsh winters with little clothes to cover their backs, to build a housing colony for the rich brats who would turn up their noses at the mere sight of them! I was awe-struck at their selflessness. What struck me even more was the simplicity with which they were celebrating this festival. They had little money to spend in decorations so they invested wisely. They bought Diyas at cheap prices from a village famous for its pottery. Candles were at steep prices those days so, they were naturally out of question. The next big thing on their shopping list was clothes for their children even when they couldn't afford to buy any for themselves. They had been saving up for an entire year for this one day, only to bring out that one big smile on the faces of their loved ones. However, I saw one gloomy girl in a corner in one of the houses. The child in me couldn't hold it anymore and went ahead and asked her the reason. Turned out that her father had refused to buy her a doll, giving her the alternative of either a doll or new clothes. The helpless father turned to her and said, "Beti, gudiya aur kapde dono toh dila deta tujhe lekin fir na juta pata do waqt ki roti kori". The incident shook me. The simplicity of this man and his courage rendered me speechless. And from then on, I decided to do something good for someone who needs it the most on a day which was meant for spreading light.

This year, I gathered around a few less fortunate girls in my house and made them happy. I taught them with the promise of continuing the same everyday, put nail paints on their pretty little nails (you should have seen the smiles on their faces!), made sweets for them, fed them and gave them candles, Diyas and self-made cards with Diwali greetings.

In return, they wrapped me up in a Saree! :) (Check out the pics!)

Nothing could have made me happier! This small act gave me friends for life, a family that I could always come back to and be accepted just the way I am. This is the beauty of love, when you give it you receive it back quadrupled and I am in love with this feeling.

You may be a crackers person or a Diya person but make sure your festival doesn't put pressure on an already suffering environment. Reduce the noise and the air pollution. Have a safe, happy and pollutant-free Diwali and most importantly, don;t turn this lovely festival into a stupid competition of showing-off and take some time out to help out those who need it more than you. 

Saying "Good Bye"

Dear one,

I let you go. I set you free and I let my heart soar. You have troubled me a lot, knowingly, unknowingly in the recent past and I just can't bear the pain anymore.
No, I am not the perfect girl with the perfect "everything" nor am I the happiest or the most successful person under the Sun. I am just another brick in the wall, trying to do what's best for her and the people she cares about. 

I won't lie. I tried to be a little better as your thought made me burn with desire. Yes, I shamelessly put down my needs and compromised on my dreams just so I could be with you, so that I could be someone you would love. Alas! That wasn't enough for you. Everyday when I wake up to find that your care for me has only lessened with every setting Sun, I realize what a fool I've been! I am sorry but I can't do this anymore.

I wanted a life for you and I together- a thought which you had initially fathomed. I cared a lot about you and assumed that you do too. Now I open my eyes and see that I have been living in denial for a very long time! The signs were there for me to see right from the beginning- you never cared, you never loved me. You wanted something entirely different from this relationship than what I could have given you. I let you drag my heart along for what seems to be an eternity now. I decide to put an end to that. I decide to take back all those strings from you which let you be the King of my heart. 

It hurts a lot and moving on isn't exactly easy. The pain soars and peaks once every night I dream of you but I feel I owe it to myself to say this very important "Good Bye". We don't need each other. And frankly, I deserve better.

Yours truly,

LETTING GO

And tonight I let you go,
Free you of the shackles that bind us,
Confused arrays of love long lost,
the memories haunt us still.

I let you go for eternity,
May you find peace and never come back,
It's selfish, really, for with this I set me free,
Those moments spent in reminiscence,
those caped crusaders now beg for mercy,
I hear their pleas and say Good Bye!

And I burn this last letter from you,
Erasing your words reduces your presence,
I remove your name from my list of contacts and feel lighter than I've felt
in days, weeks, God knows Months!

And I forgive my habit of obsessing over you,
You've not been the version I knew
for what seems like ages now.
Somewhere between our first glance and second-last kiss, you changed.
Time took form us what we held close to our hearts,
And now, in my heart, I know you will never be the same.

What if...?

What if we could stand in the rain and not get drenched?

I have waited for you far too long, my love

I know it doesn't make sense but

It’s not goodbye yet.

What if we could mate again and forget the consequences?

I have been longing for you, dear one

Waiting for you alone by the sand

You become the sunshine sparkling in every grain

And I become the invisible simmering passion.

What if we could just let go and be free?

Free of will, free of karma,

Free to be me and you

Oh, how lovely would that evening be

In whose embrace, pregnant with possibilities,

I find you.

What if we could get the nectar from the flowers just by once sniffing through?

Elegant and reformed,

You were quite the gentleman on the white horse.

I knew you would come

For in my dreams you wore a suit.

What if we could love each other with no regards to time and space?

Will we find each other in another time, another place;

Once we cross over the bridge to the other side?

I stretch my hand out

And hope that your hand grabs mine.

The comfort of the companionship leases out to the agony of loneliness

And in that opportune moment

I would wish that our hearts remain entangled, just like our hearts,

Forever and ever!

MY IDEAL BIRTHDAY

(Yes, I know how it sounds! :P)

First things first, a very Happy Birthday to me! :-D
Basically, I m a loner. I might have a huge friend circle and have lots of fun with them but at the end of the day, I prefer being alone, with my thoughts and possibly, a scribbling pad and a pencil to jot it all down. I like to see myself as a blossoming writer :) so the greatest feeling in the world for me is being able to put my thoughts to words with the same natural beauty with which they appear in my mind. My idea of the perfect birthday is a day spent all alone in nature's abode, possibly in a quiet hill station.I detest the idea of "hanging out" with friends or spending "quality time" with family on MY special day. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just consider time spent on others as an investment and the best investment one can make is on oneself.

I would consider myself lucky  if someday I could just take a break for a week before my birthday and gift myself a big spa holiday in some remote corner of the world, replete with natural beauty, rich in flora and fauna. Cold weather stimulates the mind. It acts like a push button for my creativity. Hilly areas are best for writers and artists. Ah! How I wish I was in one such place right now! Till the day that turns into reality, I hold on to the hope. I am an avid dreamer who believes in the power of dreams and my dreams are my reason for living. I have a wish, a dream and I hope to reach my destination with my head held high. In ABBA's words:
"I have a dream, a song to sing 
To help me cope with anything 
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale 
You can take the future even if you fail 
I believe in angels 
Something good in everything I see 
I believe in angels 
When I know the time is right for me 
I'll cross the stream- I have a dream!" 

WHEN IT RAINS

As the downpour continues mercilessly, the fog starts lifting up and the clouds in my head clear a bit. It wasn't even that long ago. It just so happened that yet another random encounter turned out to be a life lesson in the offing. Water splashes down my window and I m lost in countless thoughts; Just which ones to pen down is a tough decision. I may blabber, I might ramble but it's okay. When it comes to talking about ambiguous feelings, words have little to offer. I wonder what it would have been like if life connected us in a simplistic manner, in an uncomplicated, plain manner. What if situations weren't as tough and life gave us the right place, the right signal at the right time. And how do I trust you? For you are a stranger of tides, of places far, far away. "Distance makes the hearts grow fonder"?

Destiny didn't really had to put in so much effort. We were at the same place for years, without ever crossing paths. Why was that particular instant chosen for us? Why did we meet the way we did, instead of having steered clear of each other over an imaginary space? What made us come together like this? Life can be so simple. All we need to do is follow our hearts. Instead, we live a restricted life full of regrets. We worry that the society will think this, it will label us that; when in reality, the society exists only in our minds and the guilt and fear instilled in us by our parents. There is no need of guilt and fear in our daily lives- not unless you happen to be a world class criminal anyway. Our world could be so much more beautiful in the absence of these parasitic emotions which suck out all our happiness and pleasurable experiences and dirty our conscience with remorseful thoughts lacking in true meaning and purpose.

When it rains, it pours. My heart is full of emotions, my brain is full of thoughts and I m rambling. I write with no intention, I like the flow of thoughts. I put my fingers on the keypad and let my intuition guide me, for good or for worse. I wish I could forget. It reminds me of a a scene from the famous James Bond movie "Quantum of Solace" in which he asks for a "pill to forget or repair heartbreaks". I m in need of the same, desperately. They say its only your heart that breaks when actually your whole body is in pain, not to mention the emotional, mental and psychological agony caused by crushing of the emotions. We can laugh at it, make fun of it but at the end of the day, you can't lie to yourself. Ultimately, you have to smile for the world while the broken pieces of your heart cling to your chest and make it bleed every time you breathe.
But, such is life dearies! Cruel, unkind, jealous and inconsiderate.

REALITY BITES

This could be like one of those jokes: "I don't generally lie but when I do...".
I pride myself on the fact that I do not lie. I have been this way since forever. I was that rare kid who's parents never had a tough time figuring out what she was up to as all they had to do was look me in the eye and ask. I don't believe in lying as for me it is equivalent to being fake.
The reason I write this today is to confess about the biggest lie I have ever made up. I don't know why I did what I did. It was just an impulse, a temptation to try what the experience of creating an alter ego would feel like. In essence, I created something which would deny the true meaning of my character.
Why do we act crazy at times? Why do we believe that no matter what we do in the end everything is just going to get back to normal? It was wrong on my part to lie and break someone's trust. It would be wrong for anyone to do that because that's the thing with our faith in people- once broken, it is almost impossible to find our way back in.
This isn't an apology. Its a warning for all those who attempt to lie in the future. While the experience maybe thrilling for a short while, the aftermath would be mind boggling because lies have a tendency to swim up to the top. It would eventually eat up your relationship and you would be left with a hollow carcass of a bloody mess which would undermine your sense of self worth.
Learn from my mistake. Don't lie. The person who has to live with it has a tough time believing reality after the delusion you created and no one deserves the mind numbing pain of constantly questioning reality- not just their own, but also that of everyone who extends a friendly gesture. Life would be a lot easier for all of us if we could just be honest and tell the truth always and every time.
I do not understand the philosophy that a lie that hides a bitter truth is better than a hundred hurtful truths. For me, honesty is always the best policy. Today, more than anything else, I wish I could turn back time and refrain myself from lying. You won't understand the pain of wishing for something you can never get unless you wish for a time machine!
In my attempt to make my life gain momentum, I became the entity I hate the most. This was my lesson to never repeat it again because the guilt of breaking a special someone's faith is unbearable. What is worse is the part of life I miss in that person's absence. When any relation, however recent, breaks it creates a void in both the people's lives. Some feelings are unmatched and some bonds are irreplaceable. I was selfish and stupid to lie in the first place and I don't wish to be this person anymore. With this I let go of the pain, anguish, guilt and fear I have been feeling for quite sometime and solemnly resolve to always stay true to my nature. Lesson learnt: NEVER LIE!

A DATING MANUAL, A GUIDE TO IMPRESS YOURS TRULY ;)

Do’s -:

1. Do be interesting. If you are exceptionally good at any one of your hobbies, it’s a great plus point.
2. Do be honest. I despise liars.
3. Do be classy. Anything cheap or fake is a huge turn-off.
4. Do be strong-willed in your affections. I admire loyalty.
5. Do present your affections in a physical manner. I don’t like overtly shy people.

Don’ts-:

1. Don’t be boring. I want someone to have fun with, a partner in crime rather.
2. Don’t be needy, clingy, overtly emotional or extra sensitive. I can hurt you very easily otherwise, probably every single time I open my mouth.
3. Don’t be weak-willed. I hate cowards.
4. Do NOT be fickle. I have to be the only woman in your eyes, heart and mind. Anything else is unacceptable.
5. Don’t expect me to like everything that you like. We don’t need to share all our interests. Individuality and variety work wonders for a relationship.

TURN-OFFS-:

1. Lying- I never lie and I can NOT stand liars.
2. Fake and Cheap people. People with a bad sense of humor are included.
3. Beauty conscious men. Anyone who says, “Honey, I can’t step out in the sun because it burns my skin” deserves being slapped.
4. Shabby or unkempt looks with no regard to personal hygiene. I may be a lioness but I do not live in the jungle. I m not a huge fan of the “just out of the bed” or “rough, raw and primal” looks which directly translate into “I am a wild animal. I don’t know what a shower means, I have never seen a mirror and I do not own a comb.”
5. Unnecessarily shy men. I am not the one to make the first move so, do not expect me to call//text/contact you first. Any man who says, “Give me a call” instead of doing the calling himself is just not worth my time!

TURN-ONS-:

1.      Intelligent, pleasant conversations.

2.      Wit, Humor, Charm and Class- all together.

3.      Humility- Anyone with their head in clouds can simply exit.

4.      Sincerity and Honesty- A man of his words is a Gentleman.

5.      Strength of character- Mean what you say. I am not a huge fan of changeable personalities. I like a man to be exactly what I’ve always known him to be.

So, Do I Love Him?

Yeah, I know. Weird title. What to do? I just "feel" that way. And that is weirder! Until a few days back all my friends were piling up on me on how I am self-centered, emotionless, can't feel anything, blah. I thought that's how the world works, that's how you are supposed to be when you are a 20-something and I also thought that I m so smart and know everything, so clearly, I was wrong, on all accounts. Anyways, so here's the thing- I found a guy and I think I love him. Typical story, same old stuff but it "feels" different. So, this guy and me are not "in a relationship" (never going to be too, if it remains the same) and neither are we the closest pals. On some days we talk, on many days we do not. Its a simple 'No Expectations, No Demands' kind of thing. I like it this way. There's distance and we have our space, we can be whoever we want to be and the best part is, there is no drama. Sounds perfect, right? I wish it would "feel" that way too.

There are moments when I m a bunch of nerves about this whole thing and then there are utterly blissful moments when I realize the low pressures of not "being with each other". It makes me nervous, jittery, anxious, excited and at times, very bored- all at once. Its incredible but its sad. At time it's like the lovely vistas on the screen of 'Lonely Planet' while at other times it's as colorful as the (*ahem*) raw, primal mating scenes from Discovery Channel. I know this one's different because every time I look at him, I m transported to a parallel universe and yet when I contact this person, I am at my worst or maybe, he somehow brings out the worst in me, like the ugliest side of me. Being quite socially adept, I wish I could be my normal, sane self around this one special individual but I feel so helpless that I just blurt out all my darkest, most sinful secrets to him. The biggest problem is that ever since he is in my life, I feel like a teenager again! I act crazy, say things I don't mean and ride high on an emotional wave all the time. It gets insane by the end of every day and every morning, its fabulous again.

I don't know where I am going with this but one thing's for sure- I haven't felt this way in the longest time and the fact that a workaholic like me could "feel" something, anything at all is a miracle! I m happy. I m different. This is special, very special. :-)

A Little While Back....

After a long time I m back to blogging. So what happened to me in the meanwhile?  Well, a lot! And yet when I think of it now it was all for nothing. Pop Icon Lady Gaga rightfully pointed out that two types of women exist in this world-one who pursue career and the ones who pursue men. She chooses to pursue her profession because her career wont wake up one day and say that it doesnt love her anymore. I couldnt agree more! After a long time I m completely in love with a quotation. It paraphrases what I have been thinking for too long. Nothing lasts. Change is the only constant. There is no forever. All we have is this day, today and it is how we decide encash it that truly matters. If we spend our now obsessing over someone who is never going to be with us, then we are only abusing the power nature has bestowed upon us- the power to be me and you, the power to choose. It is this power that truly defines us.How we take control here and utilize this power brings ussuccess or failure.

COMPETITION

Competition is a funny thing. It brings in feelings where there were none. In this sense, it seems to fill a void. I hate competition. It is the reason I lost many friends. I believe that if being my friend you compete with me, you are instantly entitled to become my enemy. Regardless, the feeling of competition continues. It resides in your heart, your mind and creeps into your very existence, making your life miserable.

Some say that competition is the mother of all their progress. If they are to be believed, competition is a much stronger aphrodisiac  than success because the lesson is in the struggle not in the victory. I presume I may be wrong but it indicates a strong sense of jealousy on their part. How can an individual compare oneself with another? I fail to get this and isn't there a saying which says, "Believe in YOUR-self and YOUR abilities. You are born original!"

People do silly things due to the feeling of competition. In order to prove that they are superior, they resort to means they wouldn't have otherwise. Cheating, fraud, even severe crimes work for them, especially when the competition is for money. The worst kind of competition is for power. Its a mad mad world out there and this is what they are fighting for. This one word makes the universe go around. Phew! At least I am safe, for now...

THE TYPES OF WANNABES I DETEST

We've all met them. They exist everywhere and irritate the crap out of all the sane people around who do not share their sentiments. I think I find at least one of these seven kinds of wannabes around me every single day and can't help but pray that someone would someday, politely, show them the mirror. Here's my list: 

1. The Wannabe JOKER-:  
So, you want to "put a smile on that face"? Good! Please don't ruin it by faking an accent you know nothing about. Not unless you are a professional mimic anyways. Do everyone a favor and stop roaming around with the kitchen knife meant to give your character a "real-life feel". More importantly, stop acting crazy! No one looks good smacking their lips, craning their necks and giving weird looks to every passer-by. Just Please STOP.

2. The Wannabe SHERLOCK-:
Its good that you possess deduction skills to boast of but is it really necessary to embarrass your friends by telling them that you recognize their morning face of shame or that their shoes tell you where they have been really bought from? Trust me, most of you embarrass yourself more than you can imagine. The hollow pipe you dodge around from one corner of your mouth to another is not fooling anyone. Cloaks were uber-cool in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's century. I am sorry, but have you been transported directly from there?

3. The Wannabe GUITARIST/"ROCK STAR"-:
Where do I even begin on this one? Who do you really think you look like with that bag of bones you call a body after  stoning yourself silly for what seems like an eternity paired with those ugly long locks? Jim Morrison? The number of men who try this and fail is equal to the number of panelists who try to open their mouths in Arnab Goswami's 'Newshour' but alas! Long hair suit just a handful of men. If you have the talent, why do you even need a "look" that doesn't really convey who YOU are?  Before taking the plunge, just ask yourself one simple question: Who is actually going to play the guitar- you or your hair?

4. The Wannabe MODEL-:
Ah! We all know one, don't we? Mind you, I am NOT talking about women only here. Actually, the male wannabe models irritate me much more than their female counterparts. You are all Hulk-ed up and ready to face the camera? Sorry, no chance. You see, there are 'n' number of factors that would limit you and no, "small town" isn't one of them. As far as you girls are concerned, just because the neighborhood Pappu thinks you should be the next Miss India does not mean you wail over how the real judges of the contest rejected you "only because they are partial". Has it ever occurred to you that there is a certain set of international standards that they need to follow and Mr. Pappu's opinion isn't one of them? And Puh...lease stop misusing the term 'Dieting' everytime you eat a fruit or have to refuse that oily plate of snacks your relatives push in front of you. It gives a bad reputation to people like me, who are biologically skinny and do not diet.

5. The Wannabe NERD-:
I get that cracking exams means everything in this country and that being "smart" really takes you places but kindly note that making a mockery of your knowledge by shoving it into other peoples faces at every social gathering is really not the way to go. If you think you are an efficient Programmer/Coder, use it at the proper place. If you read classic English literature, good for you; just don't expect the whole world to follow your lead. You see, the rest of us may not have the "brains" you've got but we do have a little something known as common sense that tells us that you are dying for attention just like a five-year old who seeks appreciation and approval by reciting his/her favorite nursery rhyme on a loop. Get my point?

6. The Wannabe "NIGGA"-:
No; you're not my "broda from anoda motha" ('brother from another mother', for the uneducated). I see no point in your latest makeover with shorts that are a crime hand-off between a baggy jeans and a casual three-fourth or those neck-pieces you wear that seem to be Marley's chains to me. Even that carelessly tossed over baseball cap seems useless in this cricket-obsessed nation. And what's with the accent and the rapping in sync with the jerky hand movements and the crouching shoulders? To me it seems like you're having a fit.

7. The Wannabe "COOL"-:
...Or should I say 'KEWL'. This makes up for almost 65% of the total Wannabe population. One of these alone is sufficient to ruin a comfortable journey or lovely college environment. Do you really think that cramming up every latest fad and following every single fashion tip off tacky websites and newspapers is going to take you far? Listening to everyone's favorite rock band isn't going to do much for you either. Most importantly, stop typing like you've never attended a single English class in your life. If you want to write "My" please don't type "Mah" as the "uncool folks" like me simply refuse to understand.

Dear Wannabes,
Desperation reeks. It is the single most obvious thing about you. For your own sake, put a curb on trying to "fall in line" with "what's rolling" in the world right now. Actually, there's not much you need to do: Find yourself and Be that person.
Sincerely,
Me.
 








 

 

'S'

Success begets success,
And I am just a starry mess of all things messy;
I have long forlorn victory,
and made merry in the knowledge that "success is counted sweetest by those who never succeed";
I have walked too far from where I began,
Tried and tested, Tired and rested,
I kept going.
Now, I see no more
Clouds fog the path ahead;
I look up and see no God,
No guardian angels,
I see the mirror
and I find my guiding light,
I find myself
and I find my fate.

REGRETS

How do we ever know which choice will lead us through in life and which will become a "bad" choice? How do we decide which path to take? In some circumstances, it is a well-calculated decision while in most of the others, it is just plain, dumb luck which decides which way would prove to be the greener side. If we are at the receiving end of the bargain, we are happy and if, by chance, we do not get what we think we signed up for, we end up with regrets. "What if I would have chosen the other way?", "It would have been wonderful if I would have tread a different path!", "I wish I could go back in time and guide myself through that difficult time." are some of the statements we make when faced with the colloquial two roads diverging in a yellow wood.

It is so easy to be fazed by the obstacles that destiny places in our way. we don't even realize that life gives us problems only because it considers us capable enough to deal with whatever it puts ahead of us. Instead of having a firm belief in ourselves, we lose confidence and in the absence of self-confidence, we lose all faith on any kind of higher power that might guide us through. We are the instruments of God. All energy passes through our body, which is nothing but a medium to channel the Lord's will. In surrendering is great power. It liberates us of guilt and fear. It awakens us and all that is truly needed in this universe is humans who have come alive.

Freedom

What does "freedom" mean to you? For me, it is living a life with no consequences- the life where I don't have to worry about the future nor be conscious about my past. I want to live the present for what it truly is meant to be, a 'present'. My heart longs for long trips to nowhere, sleeping unconventionally, not giving a damn about any rules or societal norms, eating as and when and how much I like, dressing exactly how I please and most importantly, not giving the least bit of thought to what others think of me because it is so not my problem.

The reality is bitter. There seems to be no place for my kind of freedom. The society we live in is truly fucked up. It exists in bits and fragments with everyone talking of "development" and "broad mindedness" while actually thinking in a manner which would put the most orthodox among us to shame. Duality is the rule. In a world in which diplomacy is considered to be a positive trait this is only to be expected. We just can't BE ourselves, no matter what the greatest artists of all times say. They lived there life with a carefree attitude that came with much struggle and strife with this society which tries to kill everyone's dreams.

I believe, the biggest pearl of wisdom that you can give to anybody these days is 'Never let your dreams die'. If you have a dream, protect it because in some way or the other, the society is out to get you. Be strong, rigid and confident. Live life like its the first day of your entire life. Live life like no one's watching. Live life like you rule the universe. Shine and Sparkle and then maybe, just maybe, this world will see you for what's truly special and unique about you. Then you will be free to live life exactly the way you please.

And I Win!

I am happy. The long days of struggle are over and natural order is restored. The power struggles of the past were undoubtedly ruled in my favour. I win.

Whatever you just read is not even close to truth. Yes, I won a petty war but who’s the happy character here? It is my ego. The war of power is always fought between two groups of eager control freaks with inflated egos. I might have won this battle but in my heart, my soul has lost a big fight today. When you argue with a fool, you prove that you are no different. It is the same with my ego hassle. I ended up being the same ego-maniac I was fighting against. Was it worth it? Absolutely not!

This simple sequence of incidents makes me wonder if I will always be like this. Life will, no doubt throw my way many more such confrontations with less evolved souls. Does that mean I should also dip in order to come down to their level just to prove my point? I hardly think so. My soul says I am bigger than this and that I shouldn’t have let that entity called “ego” rule my head in the first place. When a bull blocks your way, you don’t negotiate, you simply take a different path. I should have been the mature one here and let them take what they call “power” and live with it. This would have served two purposes: First, I would have followed my heart and not entered the war and Second, it would have made my opponent’s wish come true. Now, the second part here is not about me being a good person and wanting my opponent’s happiness. Fact is our grandest wishes are also our worst nightmares; we just don’t know it. Inherently, we are all afraid of having our wishes come true. They are called “wishes” for a reason. Sooner than later, they turn against us. “Be careful what you wish for” is an old but very valid saying. Actually, we never know what is good for us. We are all just guessing. This makes us passengers in the same caravan and reinstates the philosophy that we are all part of one, big family: ‘Vasudhev Kutumbakam’

CAPRICORNS- The power-hungry and desperately attention-seeking lot!

I hate Capricorns. Its natural, I am a Leo. They are my zodiacal enemies. The reason for this natural animosity is that the basic needs of a Leo and a Capricorn are the same. They both need to be noticed and in-charge. The only difference is that Leos are capable of the same, being naturally talented while Capricorns suck... BIG TIME! Leos want power to make the world a better place while Capricorns strive for power for the sake of power. Leos are natural commanders while Capricorns beg and plead to get noticed and are obviously desperate for power, no matter how petty it is. Capricorns can play dirty games while Leos prefer walking away with dignity. Contrary to the popular belief a Leo isn't always playing to dominate, they are always playing to win. Capricorns, on the other hand, need to show the world that they are in control. Another false belief about Leos is that they like attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is in fact, Capricorns who relentlessly crave for attention as they are the people who would die to maintain a particular image in public and nothing matters more to a Capricorn than having a good image in public, no matter how full their closets are with skeletons of dreadful deeds from the pasts. The biggest difference between Leo and Capricorn is that Leos are noble; they have a heart of gold so, at the end of a long day striving for power they will love their subjects while Capricorns are inherently evil, which means, after achieving power they abuse it to put their supporters in misery. Yet another misnomer is that Leos love flattery. Capricorns are proved to be much more affected by flattery than any Leo ever can be. You see, every Leo has a deep sense of justice. If a Leo's admirer is a bad singer and they have to push them through an audition as the judge, they would NEVER do that while a Capricorn in the same position will not only get them in the show but will also go against the rules to make them win it.  Capricorns make the politicians of the worst kind as they would promote only the people close to them to a position of power just so that they can boss around better. Capricorns hide themselves under the mask of being "sensitive and emotional" when the truth is that there is hardly anybody more sensitive and emotional than a Leo. If you want to catch a glimpse of the evil in every Capricorn use this technique: Ask them to selflessly do something for you, it could be anything from giving you their favorite book to read to fetching them some ice from the refrigerator. In all probability they will say yes with a smile to your face and not do anything about it actually, saying "So what, people think I run errands around here? They need to know who THE B-O-S-S is!". Try the same with a Leo and either they will say 'No' straight to your face or if they agree, they will make sure they do it. Leos don't believe in making empty promises, or making big declarations and not following up. There is a reason why every astrologer who is anything in her/his field calls Leo the natural, real LEADER of the zodiac sign while Capricorns are the negative bosses who are 'made' (by climbing up the stairway made of fellow workers bones, flesh, sweat and blood) not born.

The Golden Glory

They say success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting what you get. I believe this is so true. How many times have you had a spell of misfortune that ruins all your attempts to salvage a moment exactly as you wanted? Have you ever had the wheel of fortune run in a reversed cycle for an event? I have and that is, right now. The aim is to distract your mind so that the worst of it doesn’t reach your heart. It is the ripple effect. Whatever the mind thinks reaches the heart and turns into deep-set emotions. We need to fill our minds with happy thoughts and keep on working hard. No matter how difficult the circumstances around us get, we must never give up on striving for success. ‘Keep on moving on’ and ‘Don’t stop believin’ aren’t just songs, they define a whole generation’s thinking pattern and re-affirmations. They tell us that self-belief is the key to the greatest successes after all, “Courage is not always a loud roar. Sometimes, it is the small voice at the back of our heads that says tomorrow I will try again.” 

Conflicts, Struggles and The Pursuit of Happiness

"When the soul is stirred to its in-most depth
  Great ones unfold their best."

For every situation there are precisely two most well-suited coping mechanisms- Fight or Flight. While truce is a good option for preventing world wars and ensuring peace, it is not always the best option when it comes to personal, day-to-day struggles. There are times when even the most docile among us have to  resort to personal conflict. Sometimes the ends have to justify the means.There is peace in war and war in peace. We attain greater peace in the world and within ourselves by creating wars.

Struggles turn us, twist us but in the end we come out brighter than before. No goal worth achieving has ever been attained without going the extra mile, without fighting with the providence or without resorting to the fundamental human right to justice. In an environment where total buffoons run the world, it is only the rightful duty of a sane individual to take the chords in her hands. We would have never evolved to a civilized race had it not been for struggles.

 One section of the society struggles for power while the other section attempts to keep them chained. The question is what costs us more- war or peace? The answer is obvious. Keeping quiet in the face of oppression and wrong-doings is much higher a fee to pay than fighting hard or, standing up for what you believe in. Being tormented in silence for long is the fee we have to pay if we ignore the early signs just to avoid war and its consequences. True, when there's war there are consequences but it's crucial to remember what we are fighting for and if the cause is strong enough to keep you moving, stay on track and never deter from the path of self-righteousness.

THE TYRANNY OF MISFITS

Every society is divided into groups, mostly two: the oppressors and the suppressed. The former is a part of the tyrants. I chose the term 'part of' because they are just a sub-set. Tyrants include a whole lot of individuals who outrageously abuse their power on a daily basis for furthering their selfish, vested interests. Power is a dangerous tool in the hands of less capable. It leads to complete destruction in the hands of fools while when handed over to efficient individuals it creates true leaders.

In a petty event organized by my college recently I noticed the ego clashes and the power struggles that go on even for the tiniest of responsibilities. I have seen people changing in the matter of a few days by the mere act of dumb luck getting them some position of little power. Little power is again a very dangerous entity. You see, a person with full authority would never resort to low-level tactics or put up a display of control. It is only the unfortunate few who somehow gain certain amount of power but don't really know what to do with it and it is this particular, most annoying category of individuals that I absolutely loathe and purely detest. How I wish I could dedicate them every single hate song in my playlist (which are many, by the way)!

Think of it, power struggles run the world. From politics to the entertainment industry, every dimension is ripe with the latest gossip about dirty politics to gain power, no matter its amount- it can be for the post of a peon or the PM. All wars in history were fought for the same reason. The need to control mixed with a certain love for fame creates the worst of monsters. Attaining power for the sake of it is not only lame but also the birth-place of tyranny in a perfectly healthy society. The correct use of power is only to change the world in order to make it a better, more free place to live in.

Till the time the change-makers and the real rebels of the society hold up the beacon, misfits would continue their reign as law-makers making way for high levels of corruption, et al. What better time to stand up for yourself than now?

Moments

There are moments when life is cruel, there are times when life is a total bitch and then there are those times when life is just a complete train-wreck. Over and over again in our lives we have people telling us “May God bless you” but do we ever care to ask ourselves what does this even mean? What is the significance of this statement? If you ask me its just their way of saying, "Buckle up, life is going to be tough. I pray it goes easier on you than it was on me". 

There are times when you just lose it. We crack under certain emotional or environmental stimuli. It could be anything ranging from deep-rooted childhood issues to suppressed rage (as in my case). There's a rat race going on out there and you would hate for yourself to not be a part of it. Its as they say, 'It is better to be a part of life hating it than not being involved at all'. We have to take in everything and just give our best at whatever feels right. 

Making big in life has got little to do with how talented one is. It is all about the GUTS. Ultimately its all about how courageous you are. The intensity with which you follow your dreams determines whether or not you will reach your destination. The most important thing is to participate, to play along and to get up with the same level of enthusiasm every time you fall down. Life would be a lot more easier if we perceive ourselves as eternal students, constantly changing and learning with an infant's curiosity. I feel the biggest advantage of that would be that we would all be free from the shackles of the so-called "self-respect" and/or ego. All the divide, differences and war that there is in the world is only due to this element of "self" that we attach to everything. Being broad-minded simply means putting cause above self and placing others and their needs before our own. All the world's a sinner and they think they are fit to label others and judge everyone around them? Really, what a shame!

The day reminded me of the lyrics of one of my all-time favorite song:

                               "There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
                                     And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
                             When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
                                   With a word she can get what she came for.
                                 And she's buying a stairway to heaven..."

Sassing it up

Does it make me a bad person if I want to K-I-L-L my hostel roommate? Hold that thought. You wouldn't say that if you knew what she is really like. To your face she will be the sweetest (read most fake) person ever, saying sickeningly saccharine stuff but in real life, her meanness could make a nun swear. You know the kind of mean that is manipulative and appears docile to the entire universe while only you know the face behind the mask? She is much worse. Oh, how I wish I could get rid of her! I have tried everything but she just sticks on like a creepy vine...just like my extremely clingy ex-boyfriend. I don't mean to be prejudiced but both of them are Cancerians- the needy lot. The worst part is that she yells. I wish someone would please tell her that raising voice doesn't do anything to raise the quality of her speech. She will still stay her same old lame self. I don't care if you judge me. She has been successfully making my life a living hell for the past six months. She is perhaps the only living person capable of driving me total nuts while my mother, even after her continued attempts, couldn't achieve this feat. Living with an insane person is not easy but living with this crazy woman is unbearable. I hate her and wish her the worst with all my heart with every good reason.

Shadows

Its not working out- How often do we find ourselves uttering the same phrase over and over again while mulling over our slow-paced life over a cup of coffee on a warm, sunny winter's afternoon? What exactly is not working out? Oh, when have we ever been able to put a pin to that! When we can't afford a shrink, 20-somethings have to do by reading their  horoscopes. The need, you may ask? We are always looking for answers, sometimes without even framing proper questions- "Why me?", "Why now?" we look up and inquire. I don't know about you, but that's pretty much my story. Even though I am aware of the futility of my efforts and I shamelessly put these thoughts to paper, I can't stop myself from falling into these patterns over and over. Is that what caused my misery? We would never know. All I know is that at present, in this very moment, I am looking for even more answers: "What exactly went wrong?", "Where did I go wrong?", "When did things start going spiral downwards?", "Will I ever be successful in life?".

There's a reason I am hooked to astrology and Tarot reading. From personal experience I can tell you this habit is highway to hell. You start for fun, as a disbeliever and soon you turn into an amateur learning the craft then before you know it, this is the only thing you can think about. Its poison and I am intoxicated. I wake up at 3 a.m. and start with online tarot card reading, for no practical reason whatsoever. I am so addicted, I just can't break free. I am entrapped and a caged butterfly is never a pretty sight. This is what with-holds me, this is what I need to overcome. Everyday is a new challenge. If only I could stop myself from going towards the dark side, I would be saved but I can only see myself sinking fast, drifting further apart, every single day. 

What have I done? Where is my life taking me? I sound so helpless. My pleas to the lord don't result in anything solid. Perhaps, the entity residing up there also believes in bargaining. What you see is what you get? Forget it. World goes round in a whole new different way now. What you see doesn't necessarily correspond to what you get and just like with every other over-the-counter sale product, God's blessings come with "*Conditions Apply". Its easy to be torturous when you have all the power, isn't this what Jim Carrey told God in the epic movie "Bruce Almighty"? (I swear by that film, no, not literally, Duh!)
Every night I come to the conclusion that:
Life is a journey, a journey of discoveries-about ourselves, about the world and most importantly, about life itself
and every morning, my search for answers begins afresh.

17/01/2013 [2:19 a.m.]

Life is a mess, or maybe I think so. I watched "Wake Up Sid" today. Its a movie with a good message. I even cried while watching one particular scene. The moment when a child hands over  first salary to parents is  heart warming. How I wish it could be me, months earlier...

I am just over with the second last semester of engineering and about 15 days away from my last. This is the moment I always feared. Basically, in my seventh semester I screwed up my brilliantly happy life. In the beginning of my fourth and final year of college life, I had everything I could have hoped for- four enviable work positions(the fourth one came a little into the seventh sem), remarkable reputation in the college as THE anchor, speaker and university debater and a boyfriend who loved me. I couldn't have asked for more! Tragedy is, I did.

A random post which I just shared on my Facebook wall reads: "Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans". Its funny how we always reveal so much about our lives to complete strangers through random media while we are afraid of confronting ourselves about the burning issues which are really haunting our conscience. In my case, life always intervened whenever I became over ambitious, or in other words, dared to dream too big and strived with every cell in my body to turn it into a reality. Life had a knack of shattering my dreams like a castle of glass...every single time. Being the stubborn, overly optimistic LEO that I am, I never gave up! Its a fight till the end and life knows that fact only too well. I am, after all, a born rebel, rather a 'fighter' as my Dad puts it. The irreparable damage that life always did was to snatch away my confidence. I believe, the process of re-building lost confidence is called 'living'.